What’s the rule of thumb? Trying for 1 year without getting pregnant officially puts you with the 6.7 million who are struggling with infertility. Yep, that’s us.
February 2016 will always stick out in my mind because that’s the last time I took birth control; the same month you were diagnosed with cancer. I remember how hopeful we were… “maybe we will get lucky and get pregnant before the chemotherapy treatments!” There was absolutely no doubt in my mind about becoming a mom because suddenly the option might be taken away from us.
Here we are, 33 months later, cancer free and living our best lives! You are in a career that you truly enjoy, we have our dream house, and get unlimited snuggles from a puppy that adores us (mostly you.) I am getting ready to launch the biggest project of my career and I am finally out of debt! In the last 33 months I have been able to try new careers, lose 15 pounds of post-Miss USA fat, travel the world as Mrs. America 2018, and sleep in whenever I want. Life truly has been good!
However, I see your face light up any time a baby is around. Our friends are already onto their second kid and we get left out a lot. The sting of endless pregnancy announcements has finally dulled but it doesn’t take away the sting of getting left behind.
I must admit, I have become bipolar with the idea of getting pregnant and I need you to understand why.
On one side, I am scared to death of who I will become.
All I ever read about are moms who talk about the beating pregnancy took on their body and personal life. Scarlett’s last post put me into a panic attack just reading about her average day as a mom. She said it herself that she feels guilty all the time and doesn’t have time to wash her face! And it’s not just her; every mom-blog out there warns others to kiss their former-selves goodbye.
Our life is good. The thought of taking away our Netflix binges and sleeping in on the weekends brings tears to my eyes. I can’t explain how much I love feeling the warmth of your skin every Saturday late-morning… Knowing that we could lay there all day without a care in the world makes me never want to leave that moment.
My weekdays are blank canvases waiting for me to fill them with adventure and creativity. Working for myself has many perks! I can wake up at 8 am and do whatever I want with the day. Sometimes I clean the house and read a strategic business book. Other days I work on my website, record new videos and head to the office. The world is my playground.
On the flip side, I can’t wait for the experience.
I find myself scrolling cute pregnancy announcement ideas on instagram and I have a list of potential baby names stored in my phone. Every baby shower I attend I make mental notes of the newest mom-gadgets and safety trends. I’ve even sneaked into the motherhood store to look at maternity clothes. Yes, I totally strapped on that ridiculous pillow-baby-bump just to see what I looked like with a belly (and yes it freaked me out.)
Every once in a while I bust out my “What to Expect Before Expecting” book that I’ve read cover to cover just to see if I’m still on track. But we already know I am because of all of the blood tests, HSG results, and ovulation tests.
Ultimately, being parents is what we both want but this journey is scary. Now that we are in the heat of TTC, here is what I need from you.
I need you to tell me that I am not crazy. That sacrificing my body, career, lifestyle, and freedom should be scary. I need to know that you will be here with me every step of the way; that you understand the sacrifice we will be making, together. That if-and-when I turn into a sleep-deprived zMOMbie who hasn’t showered in days (although that’s not new) that you will still tell me I am beautiful.
Will you relieve me from duty when you get home from work? Will you help out with dinner and dishes from time to time? Will you get jealous when I choose sleep over a quiet night together? Will you remember my stage-worthy physique when I am covered in stretch marks and cellulite?
You see, now that we have a choice in the matter, I find myself over-thinking everything. What if I am bad at being a mom? What if I fail? I feel guilty for feeling this way so please don’t judge me.
And 1 more thing…
I need you to know that I am grateful.
You have already sacrificed so much to be here today. I watched you go through the chemo treatments with a smile on your face and hope in your heart. I know the tests, the meds, the workouts, and long work hours aren’t ideal but you will do anything just to create an amazing life for our family.
I have faith that God will let us know when it’s our time to join the ranks of millennial parents. And when that time comes, I will give it my all even thought it’s scary. So will you pick up another pack of ovulation tests on your way home from work? Adoption, IVF, IUI, or missionary, let’s do this.