I became a mother 3.5 years ago and sometime between then and now I tacked stay-at-home on to the front of it.
It was a slow transition. I, like most, cried when I went back to the pointless work I was doing. My firstborn was seven weeks.
Most things seem pointless when you stack them against motherhood.
I imagine even the most accomplished women still have a hard time untangling their hearts before they step inside the office.
Each mother does life-changing work, sometimes it’s in addition to punching a timecard, and sometimes it’s instead of it.
So I worked three nights. And then two. And finally just one. And I clung to it and lamented it at the same time. Because it took me away from my family but brought me back to myself.
When I became pregnant with twins it kind of went without saying that there were just too many babies in this house for me not to be at home with them.
In fact, we could use about two more parents around here to cover all the bases.
And at some point when you stay home it goes from being your job description to your life description.
I stay home.
I stay home so much it is a big deal for me to leave my house.
I stay home so much that we have to make a conscious effort for me to get out of the house. If we're not careful, days turn into weeks.
Sometimes when I leave the house I’m startled and confused because it’s been so long since I’ve breathed fresh air that my lungs feel like perhaps I just landed on Mars or Jupiter. But alas, just my front porch.
I stay home so much that dropping my daughter off at preschool counts as an outing. The grocery store? That’s Honolulu.
I stay home and I live the same day over and over.
This gig is so much love and a bit of hate.
This job has blessings feeling like burdens.
This job doesn’t build my résumé or offer references.
This job feels like winning the lotto and losing the ticket and then finding it again, every single day.
My dreams didn’t bring me here; my heart did because I know this is what’s best for my children. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like what’s best for me.
But I’m going to do this job as hard as I can, for as long as I can, because it’s no longer about me.
To read more from Scarlett: www.imthatwife.com/magazine